Damek.

Notes from a subway ride.

I have my headphones but I can’t listen. I have my book but I can’t read. It’s suddenly my stop on the subway train but I barely noticed the ride there. I exit the subway stop and smell the rain and that alone is enough to make me almost think for a moment of just not showing up at work and running off to work in a diner somewhere no one will ever find me. I don’t know… Louisiana.

But I saw a school bus on a street earlier and it reminded me where I’m going and it’s good. I’m not running off anywhere. I just feel like it sometimes. It’s a sign of what I said in the previous post – that I just need to take better care of myself.

Something’s wrong. I don’t know what. Everything should be good, from the outside it looks like the should be, but I just suddenly realize, I’m not happy. Oh, I’m not unhappy. I’m just blah.

Problem is I want to be happy, calm, productive and there for the people in my life, and I’m feeling I’m not, and that makes me feel more blah, and that makes me less of all those things, and it turns into a feedback loop.

Last night I was feeling not quite there, and trying to be, and finished the night bingeing on desserts and having a drink. I only had one drink so I know it was the sugar that did it: I conked out on the bed with my laptop open in front of me. Apparently I snored twice (I forgot to put on a nose strip) and Alex tried to wake me up both times and couldn’t. She gave up and closed the door and slept in the other room.

Again, I failed to be there for someone.

But I woke up at quarter to 6, with the spring-into-summer air lightly coming in the open window, and I realized something. I’m having trouble being there for other people because I’m not being here for myself. I had some idea of this on Tuesday, I was feeling stressed and thinking it might be time management, just too much going on… and now I know that’s true.

I have to go to work. There’s stress there, too. I want to go outside all day and walk alone with the air. Of course, that would be a pain, too, since my knee is still a bit shot to hell. Just lying outside alone for a day would be nice.

So I find myself looking forward to this Friday, which I have alone, but half of it will be spent preparing for other things or doing chores. And then the weekend is busy, but I definitely don’t want to cancel anything. I just need to start making space for myself after that.

Because I’m learning, the people I care about, who I want to take care of – I can’t take care of them if I don’t take care of myself, and I can’t be there for them as they need me if I’m not here for myself. The hard part is sometimes it’s going to mean saying “no” to people I want to say “yes” to.