Damek.

As good a year as this has been so far, it’s also a bit of a drag, because as my dreams coalesce, I also begin to see all the obstacles to obtaining them. Some are my fault, and some are just circumstances.

So, my dreams. I want to own a house, with a room for everybody. I want to live on the west coast for a while, and someday I want to live in England, Australia or Ireland. I want to be a scientist or at least teach it. And this will be news to Alex (hi Alex!): I think I very well may want kids eventually.

My faults. I tend to take things too seriously, keeping me from enjoying what I have. I tend to attach too much to material things and plan on grand schemes where I own all sorts of wonderful things I think will make me happy. This results in enough unwise spending to make an unfortunate difference.

My circumstances. For, say, six years now, Alex and I have skipped straight to trying to make a home and be a couple instead of developing ourselves. It’s not really anybody’s fault, we just didn’t know what else we wanted to do, but the point is that “playing house” as it were, while fun, is also costly for people on lower-middle-class incomes and no collateral.

This has all resulted in a fair amount of debt that people our age shouldn’t necessarily have. At the same time we’re figuring out what we want to do with ourselves and discovering we don’t really have the money anymore to do it. It’s all pretty daunting, and depressing, and stressful, and frustrating.

There’s still a way out.

Personally, I’m letting go. Right now. I’m letting go of my instinct to sooth myself with material things. I’m working with what I have.

What I want from life is not a media box with all my music and favorite moveis and TV shows on it. Why on earth did I ever think it was? I’m pretty stupid sometimes.

What I want from life is love and adventure. And one day a house with a room for everybody. From now if I spend money on anything it’s going to go for those two things, and saving for the house (i.e., paying off debt). And my education, but that goes without saying, and I will take whatever aid I can get for that.

So no more spending. Alex, hold me to it.

Circumstance-wise, there’s not much we can do. It’s hard for two people to agree on what spending is appropriate and what isn’t. It doesn’t help that Alex and I are in different places right now on our life paths. I’m at a point where, were it just me, I’d give up the cable TV and drop the landline phone, if not cut to dial-up internet, too. I’m going to be in school for the next three years, I don’t really have the time. Vegging is starting to get boring and depressing.

All of that just boils down to “not spending.” Other than that, I don’t know what to do but spend a few years working on the education, forgoing vacation and most entertainment, and waiting. It might be possible to get a personal loan to consolidate the debt or something, but we tried that once before and were rebuffed. Maybe we should try more than one bank.

Regardless, I believe my dreams are possible. I just may need to put the nose to the grindstone for a few years and pay for my past indiscretions. If only they were more colorful, story-worthy indiscretions! Ah, but there’s always time for that.