Damek.

Woke up feeling a bit down but determined to get things done. Had an appointment at 10 to volunteer for Upper Green Side at a street fair. I’d been called last night by Glenn not just to remind but to ask if I could bring our table, so I squeaked it out of the closet and lugged it over with my knee brace on. Stood around for a few hours with Glenn and Emily handing out flyers and talking to people. It was fun but I was ready to go when 1 pm hit. If anything, for my knees, but I was hungry, too. Left the table, Glenn had said he could bring it back. Emily also had to leave and left a fold-up chair she’d brought, which Glenn also said he could take care of (with the help of his wife Karen).

Came home, finished catching up with The Ten Doctors (haha) and then started cleaning up a bit. around 4, was on my way out to pick up some groceries for Alex, who is cooking both tonight and tomorrow for a Mother’s Day lunch we’re having tomorrow with her parents. As I went down the stairs my phone rang: Glenn, asking if I could come help take stuff home because Karen hadn’t shown up yet. OK. So, scamper on down to 76th St, pick up the table & chair, carry them home, and then go out for groceries.

Now I’m just sittin’ here while Alex starts making brioche and stuff, waiting for Sara & Seth to show up. They’re bringing some DVDs of something from England, I don’t know what (I said not to tell me), and we’ll sit around, drink beer, watch some stuff and probably have burgers and fries. I’m looking forward to all of it.

While I wasn’t much for a while, I’m also finding myself looking forward to Sunday’s lunch with Alex’s parents. After that, three evenings to myself, maybe even get in some exercise if my knee feels up to it (I should probably force it, I suppose, like physical therapy), and figure out stuff for Toronto like whether I should take a shuttle or cab to the hotel, where to get food around the convention center, and how much cash I should take out/exchange at the airport.

Warning: the following post qualifies as Way Too Geeky

So I was lazily browsing the Doctor Who Forum and came across a link to somebody’s fan-made comic of The Ten Doctors — and it’s a lot of fun! Unfortunately if you’re just a fan of the new series you may not enjoy it that much since it brings in not just all the previous Doctors, but many of his companions and past enemies, including some lesser-known ones. It’s one big fan-wank, to tell the truth. But since I am mostly familiar with all the old stuff, it’s a lot of fun, because it’s very well done. The author captures the personalities of everyone very well and the meandering plot is stitching together well and … well you can just tell he’s having a lot of fun with it.

Notes from a subway ride.

I have my headphones but I can’t listen. I have my book but I can’t read. It’s suddenly my stop on the subway train but I barely noticed the ride there. I exit the subway stop and smell the rain and that alone is enough to make me almost think for a moment of just not showing up at work and running off to work in a diner somewhere no one will ever find me. I don’t know… Louisiana.

But I saw a school bus on a street earlier and it reminded me where I’m going and it’s good. I’m not running off anywhere. I just feel like it sometimes. It’s a sign of what I said in the previous post - that I just need to take better care of myself.

Something’s wrong. I don’t know what. Everything should be good, from the outside it looks like the should be, but I just suddenly realize, I’m not happy. Oh, I’m not unhappy. I’m just blah.

Problem is I want to be happy, calm, productive and there for the people in my life, and I’m feeling I’m not, and that makes me feel more blah, and that makes me less of all those things, and it turns into a feedback loop.

Last night I was feeling not quite there, and trying to be, and finished the night bingeing on desserts and having a drink. I only had one drink so I know it was the sugar that did it: I conked out on the bed with my laptop open in front of me. Apparently I snored twice (I forgot to put on a nose strip) and Alex tried to wake me up both times and couldn’t. She gave up and closed the door and slept in the other room.

Again, I failed to be there for someone.

But I woke up at quarter to 6, with the spring-into-summer air lightly coming in the open window, and I realized something. I’m having trouble being there for other people because I’m not being here for myself. I had some idea of this on Tuesday, I was feeling stressed and thinking it might be time management, just too much going on… and now I know that’s true.

I have to go to work. There’s stress there, too. I want to go outside all day and walk alone with the air. Of course, that would be a pain, too, since my knee is still a bit shot to hell. Just lying outside alone for a day would be nice.

So I find myself looking forward to this Friday, which I have alone, but half of it will be spent preparing for other things or doing chores. And then the weekend is busy, but I definitely don’t want to cancel anything. I just need to start making space for myself after that.

Because I’m learning, the people I care about, who I want to take care of - I can’t take care of them if I don’t take care of myself, and I can’t be there for them as they need me if I’m not here for myself. The hard part is sometimes it’s going to mean saying “no” to people I want to say “yes” to.

I meant to include in that previous post on science fiction that “the strange” extends beyond Amazing Tales, Lovecraft and Asimov. I liked that Wilson said The Strange was hiding for much of the 20th century; I’d say it was hiding a bit even in places like Stephen King, David Bowie, “alternate rock,” etc. *glares accusingly but appreciatively in the direction of glam, cabaret, industrial, etc.*

And sometimes the desire for the strange goes beyond an appreciation of it as an esthetic and extends into life choices and the love of an even slightly off-the-beaten-path, more complicated life…